I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
