Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
my liver is dry heaving
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
