The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize