Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
