Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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