I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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