We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
