Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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