apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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