Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
