what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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