I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
