And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
