my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
