Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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