Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
