Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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