Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
