I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
