I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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