Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize