I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize