So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
