I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
These tits shall not be calmed
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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