seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You're like the curious george of whores
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
