Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
