I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
