my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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