when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
