"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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