it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
