just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
