Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
