I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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