Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
