if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
