pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Fuck me I smell like cheese
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
