11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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