I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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