He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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