When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
