I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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