The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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