Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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