Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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