we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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