Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
