just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
