sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
