Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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