All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The air taste purple.
Randomize
