Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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