Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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