Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize