he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
