For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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