My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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