Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
