Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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