Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize