hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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