Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
