the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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